Alone With My Thoughts
All of a Sudden, I find myself surrounded by something like fog. I’m scared becauseI can’t see anything else, I can’t hear anything, but my very muffled voice. I can’t feel anything, because it appears there is nothing there. Yet I am standing on something. I sit down and feel comfy, but I cannot feel anything solid underneath me. I don’t smell anything. My confusion about what is happening comes to a head and I yell out, “Holy Shit!” with all the gusto I can muster, but it comes out as only a whisper. I’m beginning to be even more scared—more scared than I’ve ever been. Yet, even expressing this fear is muted. I yell out again, loudly, with “Is anybody here?” but am totally frustrated, again, with how quiet the question sounds. I begin trying to put 2 & 2 together, going back to the last thing I remember. My lover was there along with my oldest friend, and some women from our community. But it was like they were all statues—unmoving, unemotional. I mean I did not want them to be carrying on about my dying, but a few tears would’ve been sweet! I’m thinking, “Where’s my Goddess?” I even wondered about a god, or a jesus, or someone . What has happened to me? Did I die? It feels like it, but I don’t know. My mind hasn’t stopped working, as usual, so maybe I can create something concrete with my thoughts? I always believed in my mind and the power it has to create my life—maybe that’s what I need to do now?
Damn! I wish I had my computer to type all this stuff down in order to make some sense of what is happening. My handwriting got to be so scratchy with the dopamine imbalance I developed and I had such a hard time figuring out how it came about and quite a time accepting it. Well, anyway, I found good ways to abate the symptoms and thought they were working really well! Did I suddenly die? I’m not sure. Why would I have? Things were going great, I thought! I was riding my bike and even got to where I could do some hiking. So what the hell happened? Is this a dream? I stuck out my arms in front of me and looked at my hands, which I flexed. They looked ethereal, but I could see them move, sort of. Was I in limbo? Had I just passed out? I’ve never passed out! Was this a dream? Can I create something else with my thoughts? Ahhhh, that’s what I’ll do! I’ll create my scenario with my thoughts since I have plenty to spare. Okay, let’s see, I was on the trail up Wagner Butte and a limb from a tree broke and fell on my head knocking me out. Now, I feel like Dorothy in the Wizard…”and you were there, and you were there…” Holy Crap! What if I did die and this is it? “If that’s all there is my friend, then let’s keep dancing…” Now this is just crazy! What do I do now? Just sit here for eternity with only my thoughts to keep me company? Ohhhh Shit!! They drove me nuts when I was alive, er, uh, in that other dimension? Now, they are still here? Is this hell? Unless I can get them corralled and organized—yeh, riiiight, I could hardly do that when I was there, wherever the hell, “there” is!! But they had a mind of their own! And to be quite honest I mostly loved my thoughts. Okay, now what do I do? Sit here and meditate? It’s near perfect circumstances—I can’t hear anything, I can’t see anything but fog, no distractions—so why not? Okay, here goes!
Ohhhh, wait! What do I do about food? or going to the bathroom? I don’t feel hungry or thirsty or like my bladder is full. But what if I do? I do have feelings, cuz I felt scared and now I feel frustration? Ohhhh judas priest, just relax and forget about everything—it’s so nice and quiet and still, maybe I could just go to sleep, wakeup and all will be back to whatever normal is? I’ve always longed to know the answer to the question of “what is on the other side?” But I did not expect it to come this way! Be careful what you wish for? I guess. Did I do what I wanted to do, like a bucket list? Was I a good person? Compassionate and understanding? Did I learn whatever lessons I needed to learn? Did I love my partner well enough or my friends? All those commandments from all the different philosophies/religions came into my head and begged a bigger question of “was I a good enough human being to warrant a seat on this planet’s flight through the Universe?” I guess since I appear to be the only one here, I can answer it any way I want! But my gut will keep me honest and besides, this is totally my thing to know! It does not apply to anyone else, anyway, cuz there’s no one else here for it to apply to! I think I’m getting dizzy from all these thoughts circling the drain in my head!
Heyyyy! Is anyone else out there? No matter how strongly or loudly I think I am yelling it comes out as a whisper! Aaaargh, soooo frustrating… This must be limbo! Is this really all there is? I do NOT recommend it!!
If I did get hit on the head by a tree branch and I’m in the ER with my friends, then would another hit reverse the Parkinsons? Just wondering… Am I supposed to be learning something from this? Maybe I should get up and start running in some direction into the fog? Okay, here I go—I’m running, but not going anywhere, as far as I can tell. How would I be able to tell—it’s all foggy and I cannot see whether I’m going up or down or side ways! But my legs are moving—I think! Okay, what the hell is going on? I’ve had about enough of this! I give up, I surrender…Stone cold silence answered me back. I can breathe real deep breaths, and I can see clearly through the fog to my hands, but only up close! Nothing aches or hurts—I just don’t know what the hell is happening? No one answers me and I can’t even yell. Ohhhh Goddess, this is it, isn’t it? This is not the answer I wanted to my question about the other side—no, no, not at all! I have to admit it feels nice to be surrounded by the whatever the fog it is and to be without aches or pains. At the same time, I would rather have those back, to feel those pains and see all the beautiful beings on this planet and even to learn all the hard lessons… I just want to feel something physically—not just with my mind…
Hey! Anyone out there? I’m ready to come back anytime now!! I yelled the loudest I possibly could and suddenly it felt as though it were more than just a whisper–alot more. I looked around to see if the fog was clearing a little, it did not appear to be. My frustration was at it’s limit and I decided to just shut my eyes, they were so tired of trying to see something, anything…When I leaned back I felt something at my back and just relaxed, somehow knowing I’d be supported. This is so freakin’ weird…I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and suddenly felt relaxed and very tired, so verrry tired.
And then I thought of homemade chocolate chip cookies…